desired dreams
Friday, December 27, 2002
wow. i havent blogged in a while. no holiday wishes. oh well.
currently listening to trancy, upbeat music. *dances* uh huh. right.
attempted to download aquarian age episode 10. its not working. i'm trying though.
i hope everyones holidays have been going well. mentally and emotionally... my xmas wasnt that great. the tension of hatred. you really can feel it. it sucks so much. when you know that people hate each other. even through one of the more special holidays, it just tears your heart. to know that your just there... taking it. having to suffer left and right the hatred of others. then they'll try and get you and side with them... and thats the worst thing to do.
besides that... i think i had a not too bad xmas.
not like 2 years ago. where i ended up cleaning up soot from the kitchen walls. -_-;;
materialisticly... it was a *good* xmas.
i got a ps2. i'll stop complaining now. i can play KH while in college now. LoL
i got an md player... (which i exchanged and paied some more $$$ and got a better one... i know i'm horrible)
i got a jacket... which i didnt really like (i was being honest to my parents) so we exchanged it for a pair of dickies shorts i've been wanting! XD
i got a random sweater from my grandma. o_O
i got tons of disposable cameras. ^^;
oooh! LoTR extended DVD version from my bro. *huggles him* (its the gooood sheit)
that was more then what i asked for. i'm really thankful my parents knew what kind of electronics i wanted for xmas.
all in all i think it was a pretty good xmas. now i gotta find out which ps2 games my bro doesnt want and steal it from him. >:D
like kingdom hearts... devil may cry. (ooooh dante), dark cloud... i wonder if erica will loan me okage. XD
hmm. speaking of which. i still gotta drop everyones xmas gifts. i guess i'll do that sometime today. i gotta call erica. so yeps. nothing much else to say. just been thinking lately.
on monday we went ice skating... yay. w/ my Girl Scouts troop. i realized again how "fake" everyone is. esp. Materialisticly. the whole, "I'm going to shop at banana republic where sweaters cost 50 bucks" (thats about 1/3 the cost of a horn mute). Everyone seems so. unreal. living in a little world. I don't know. it sounds so wrong. yeah.
oh. i think... i might try and go to Chicago for spring break instead of going home. I want to go visit cities. i'm trying to figure out if i'm a city girl or not. ^-^;;
i'll have to talk to melanie about that. speaking of her. i think i'm a little closer to her now. er. at least compared to before. its interesting. ^^:
i should work on my me & my fansite. *has been lazy*
but yeah. *tummy rumbles*
i'm gonna go off and munchies.
Monday, December 23, 2002
what a busy weekend.
i gotta start making xmas cards.
many thoughts in my mind.
i think i will start doing "morning pages" (or as cat fox puts it, "Mourning Pages") bwahaha.
i want to listen to horn jazz.
classical songs i want to listen to:
js bach brandenburg concerto no. 1
gustav holst military suite no. 1
so many songs... too little time.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Oh. more xmas thoughts...
Canadian Brass CDs
Bay Brass CDs
American Horn Quartet CDs
Any Gustav Holst CD's... (i think i found a new fav composer)
TM Revolutions Invoke Single...
the list goes on. =X
Monday, December 09, 2002
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Ladies and Gents. I want to date a musician.
anyone single?
I want someone to play me music... so i can just fall in love over and over again. bathe me in your sweet delicate playing...
i feel stuck.
oh gee. didn't i mention that in my previous blog?
as i sit here.... knit and try to download stuff for daniel. i think about what kim told me online sometime ago. was it last night? i dont remember any more. everyone around me has been really edgy. I don't know if its because i feel that way... or if its something else.
i was talking to daniel this evening, he was saying, everything is falling apart
it makes me wonder. do i want to be around this? when everyone is falling apart. again i think about what kim said to me:
You were drastically missing your friends... and when you do come back - you want to stay away from it. ironic isnt it?
well not exactly what she said. but thats what i think. i mean seriously. i don't think the friends i left are... the same any more. or maybe its just me?
that must be it. i have changed... so drastically that i don't really want to get involved any more. that i don't want to be around my "friends"
and yet when i see them... i don't even consider myself part of it... its a bond that i wasn't there for. something i didn't witness. it happened while i was away. that bond is the distance between me and them. yet would i even want to try and recreate the same exact bond that they all share? do i want to? do i want to try?
i'm not sure. from what others suggest... i shouldnt. and i'm leaning towards that side. not because others suggested it. but that. it feels that way
stop me if you want. call me selfish. call me what you wish... but i really think. i'm ready to move on. i'm ready to break away. to move on. i realized this - this past week. that i really could live without them physically being here. i mean. i dont want to be mean and all. i care for them as friends. but. i think i am ready to move on. i really miss the whole college thing. i want to go back to pomona and talk to the new people i've met. very interesting people and all.
i don't know though. about david and mark. i think i've kinda given up. hope that they'll be here next year. they're interesting people. i think i've given up on emailing them. they're not very computer people... sad to think even tho david is a computer major. a cs major. joy. i hope that everyone comming back for winter vacation and from finals all have a safe trip (now that i think about it).
i wanted to be like you...
i wanted everything.
so i tried to be like you
and i got swept away...
i love michelle branch. speaking of that. mayene mentioned on xanga she's got a new album out or something? gotta look that up.
yeah. hmm. now that i am typing and all. today i went out w/ catherine in the evening.
i had a wonderful time. we went to joanns. i bought this cool checkered black white/ plaid ish looking fabric for my lolita skirt. woo. catherine's going to help me make wonderful skirts! yeah! XD -- we went to joanns. we saw this awesome valentines cotton pattern... it was pretty. i wanted to get it actually... but the price caught my eye. a bit too much for out of season prints. @_@:;; i'll just wait till valentines day kicks in! LOL!!! gotta go shopping for purdy lovely fabric prints. yep yep yep. then it'll be on discount. bwahahaha. *insane* so we roamed around joanns, chatting and stuff (we're going to make a skirt from the GL Bible #4 pattern. woo.) and we were there from like 7ish? 7:30 till like 8:30. haha. we were there for a long long time. i got 50% off the discounted plaidcheckered fabric thing. yeah! i love joanns. XD after that we went to see this shop she mentioned to me called dukaru. it was closed. T_T but after that we went to q-cup. I bought her a lychee icy. and i got my jasmine w/ pudding. yum. i love milk tea. then i took her home... chatted, figuered out more sewing stuff... showed me her bed drapes, showed me her mommy-made corset. purdy purdy. then i mentioned the dickens fair to her. i wonder if she wants to go. fun-ness. XD
yesterday... i worked. all day. the end.
thusrday - i actually got to spend time w/ everyone. hell. i even got to see Ken. damn. XD```` so yah. Ken's my vamp bitch. bwahahaha. he's the only one really who understands my Vampire: the masquerade obessession... we even talked about it thursday evening. how it just shapes our life. as much as it sounds sick... a lot of my taste is influenced by that game. how i miss the gaming. i want to go back to gaming. but we went for tea, and drove around skyline. he told me pass car stories and stuff. then we talked... he was actually the first friend since i got back from finals who seemed... like a friend... that stayed the same? I mean. we just clicked like always. even tho we dont even see each other all that much. yep. but! i saw him today... erm. saturday evening and gave him some $$$ and he's going to get tix to LoTR on dec 18, 3:00 pm showing. thats gonna be awesome.
yeah. wow. the wonders of my life. i'm going to not think about my situation for next quarter in college. i'm going to enjoy sewing with catherine. and knitting with myself. yes. playing video games with my brother... and actually sharing decent times with my parents.
it really hasn't been bad. not bad at all. sometimes annoying to hear my mom nag at me... but. she's my mom. but really. spending time at home hasnt been all that bad. i'm not so sure about spending it with friends though.
i really am thinking about it. what will it be like in the future? the future in friends here at home and at pomona.
thinking about the future. gotta call Carrie.
eeeeegahds.dasdfljksdlf... *falls over* lately... i've been listening to love songs... love this... love that. i wasnt meant for love was i? people keep on telling me... be patient. it will come to you. i feel as if i've been waiting long enough. i don't know. i don't think i even know how to love any more. its such a big word i throw around everywhere. do i even know the meaning of love anymore? that love isnt lust. but then what love is to be? i don't know. i guess. i have that desire. the desire to love again. but then again i must be dreaming right?
i can dream on endlessly. about the love that i may never have. i dont know. i miss that feeling...
but what feelings are those? of love...
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
i'm stuck. trying to deal with my college classes. planning. planning. planning for next quarter.
i find myself stuck and no one there wants to help me. who does?
i spent most of my day searching for help. apparently the arc depart. is going to drop me from my arc 102 class. so i gotta reg. for my la 102 class. grand. just grand. la102. lets work w/ plants. i'm so fucking happy.
on the lighter note... i'll be able to take music classes. i'm happy now.
more ranting on my LJ. god. college life.
oh well. i came to blog about xmas... my xmas list that costs too much money:
horn mute. (a lewis, marcus bonna, or trumcor would be nice)
web cam
digi cam
a nice sony palm (mini pc)
james bond dvds (i already have dr. no, goldeneye, tomorrow never dies)
pencil holder for my horn
new sweater
black dickies shorts (i know... out of season)
long knee high socks
EGL stuff
an MD Player/Recorder
surround sound computer speaker set
i could go on... can't remember any more. will update later perhaps
Monday, December 02, 2002
"There's no words to strings" - random guy in the music building last tuesday.
I was in the music building all tuesday evening. just to get fucking away from my roommate.
its so sad. everyone knows. everyone in the whole fucking hall. everyone knows, "Oh thats the girl w/ her bf. they make out in the lounge all the time... i don't even want to go watch tv any more because they're ALWAYS there... fucking MAKING OUT."
or as my roommate put it. "Sucking face"
and then she told me... "At least they're not having sex yet"
how disgusting. how i have to deal with this. thats not cool.
i hate it. i really do. i have no respect for her anymore because she cant even respect herself and her body.
she looks like a whore. who lives in the same room i do. what do i do?
