desired dreams
Thursday, November 28, 2002
heeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllp.
*runs away from evil relatives* they're going to kill me!!! gah. *dies*
and when i realize i'm only dreaming again. i snap. i get thrown back into reality.
the possibilities of ever falling in love again? I dont know. i really don't.
when i do fall in love.... where do i find myself again? alone. by myself.
Why do i ever think of such a thing? I just have this feeling that nothing will happen. nothing will work out. there will be no love. just a friend. As much as i want it to be love. I can't have it my way.
even the horoscopes say its not possible. but then again, am i a believer of horoscopes?
at this moment... this is the only thing i can think about. Sad isnt it? I can't think of anything else. he mentioned about going to a movie w/ another girl. i feel jealous. I honestly do. but. what can i say? i'm not the only girl in the world. I'm just another person like everyone else. i'm not an individual. i'm just a body.
i should stop this day dreaming, this frantic frollicing. I always find myself hurt because i believe the best in me. thinking yeah... that will happen. i want it to happen. will it happen?
no. i don't think so. it never does. it never turns out. i just continuously dream about it... and find myself alone. stuck in the same hole again.
i should stop dreaming about this. i shouldn't even think about him any more. then i'll lose those hopes and i won't be hurt... not that much. or at least i hope.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
i want vanilla rum tea. =O```
so. here's the scoop about dorm life. I was talking to Tia - cuz she got home from rock climbing.
Tia: "So I was sleeping Friday night, because Saturday I was leaving to go rock climbing... and the grossest thing happened. I woke up around early mid-day (noon ish) and i see Luz (other room mate) sucking face with her boyfriend. It was not a pleasant thing to see when you wake up first thing in the morning. To look over and see your roommate sucking face with her boyfriend. It was disgusting. But i was too groggy to wake up and do anything about it, so i got up and left."
is that not sick? -_-;;;; *sighs* back into the world of ppl making out and sucking face as i try... TRY... to go out of my way to stay away from it. (and yet it seems to follow me everywhere i go...). Hmm. vacation comming soon! oh happy day.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
I'm over at kim's place! weeee! its a lot more spacious compared to my room. considering that kim only has to share with one other person.
the amtrak ride over here was interesting, somewhat senic once i started going through Ventura and stuff. It was nice. Kim picked me up at the train station... and it was like... *sniff sniff* mMMmmm... fresh air. LoL. after that we went shopping downtown. i bought a used moulin rouge cd (part 2). it has the "Like a Virgin" song. bwahahahahaha. XD and some other songs i like.
yup yup. i donno whats in provide for today. kim has planned many things. I'm excited. =D
And soon it will be monday... and hopefully i will see Mark. XD
*bounces delightly* okay i'm off...
Thursday, November 21, 2002
been reading up on Cyber Security Enhancement Act ...
something new something interesting. i still love classical music. XD happi-ness is me.
I can't stop thinking about it. isnt it scary?
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
before i forget. Thx Daniel & Erica for the wonderful gifts. now i have something to eat while i drink tea. =D
waaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! *happi*
hmm. now that i think about it. the scary obessession continues.
mark < davids age
mark = long beach state
mark = big bum w/ nothing else to do but play music.
i love it already. bwahahaha. XD
Today was the concert band performance. Even though there were some flubs here and there (ie trumpet entrance, and my D-G-D-#C-D flub - in the 2nd D, in concertino...) this band concert R0x0rEd. for realz. so i did feel nervous. yet after that... i was all like, "Thats it? theres no more? Get David (tuba guy) back on and lets play all over again! C'mon! Yah yah!" I was really HAPPY. it was scary. yeah. supah happy. =O
I got to talk to David a lot more today, get to know him a lil more. I'm kinda upset he's leaving soon... graduating. 22 yrs old. damn. =O awesome awesome. I gave him my email address - in hopes that i can listen to the brass ensamble next monday... and see Mark. XD XD XD. As Paula would put it, "Damn, David and Mark are MONSTERS... they don't belong inside. they belong on the fucking field. shoot. they're damn monsterous." To hear something like that... makes me feel good. it just does. hell yeah. i admire them both. But i admire Mark more. XD but thats just cuz he's a horn player.
damn horn players. catch me everytime. i just fall into that trap, re-discovering my passion for music and putting in all the effort now. Like i wrote in my live journal... Mark has been helping me out a lot. Thx to him...
I DID REACH THAT HIGH #F!!! The whole Eb - Bb - Eb - F - #F. i did it. i did it! i'm so happy. but. i didnt reach the high #G. O.O;;; scary. I'll get it. i promise. i will. soon enough. I'll work my ass off and do it. I really will. Right now i feel so happy. This concert turned out really well. I've never felt so... accepted into a music family like this. (Well for the exception of the Trumpet Section... they downright just suck). But everyone else i just love. I don't wanna leave next quarter, i'm going to make it work out so i can go to brass ensamble... and concert band. I will practice. I will work out. I really will.
I'm practicing twice a day now. Well except today. and tomorrow... i will. after english class. and before othello. I will work hard. i will make it. I want to play beautiful music. I want to be a wonderful, lovely, deep velvety, and powerful horn player.
power to the horns. XD
Friday, November 15, 2002
the tired-ness kicking in. going to die... want to sleep... must work on group project.
let me sleep... so i can stay away from the scary people downstairs.
damn it. i just lost all my text. -_-;; that sucks.
and i was just talking about this friend... i just started to get to know. he's interesting... he's far more amusing when he's drunk. esp when it does feel like everything he's saying is the truth. esp when he confesses about his feelings as a friend... and his undying true love for that friendship. yeah. amusing ne?
what gets me. how can he trust a person like me? we've only really known each other for... i dont even know. not very long. But like. I can talk to him. I feel comfortable talking to him, telling him everything (well almost everything). Next thing u know, he says he loves me... and he's jealous of my cute-ness. Of course love as in friendship love. but love is still a strong word. it makes me wonder.
but something he said while he was drunk... that i should make an effort to be feminine... and maybe something might change. i'm not quite sure. i had so many mixed feelings... i wasnt sure what to feel. i felt angry, upset... and sad. it was like a reality shock to me. like, "Hello Jocy! Look at yourself and think about who you are... then look at the women around you". so maybe i'm not as feminine? but then when i think about it... i don't think i could deal with acting female. i donno. maybe i should start wearing skirts more? what do i do? i'm confused.
drunk people make you confused.
its only 4:40... i have class at 8 am. i dont wanna go. i'm so sick of school. i'm not doing very well in Trig class... and math is usually one of my stronger subjects. i guess not any more. i think i will go watch a movie. i think i will watch Cyote Ugly. cuz i havent seen it... and my parents wouldnt take me. they didnt like the idea of girls, alcohol... and such.
oh yah. now that i think about it. the digital music concert was just plain WEIRD. the end. it wasnt great... but... there were some highlights. It makes me realize again how much i hate synthasized instruments. it sounds like carp. *magic carp* hmm. maybe i will watch cyote ugly. yeah. drink tea and watch it. sounds good to me. hopefully i won't crash too hard tomorrow. maybe i will. oh well. =\
i have a favorite new oil scent. Its called Orange Blossom...
I've been hanging out waaaaay too much next door. Norma (next door neighboor) is my aromatherapy goddess. XD
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
i got a live journal. it's all Mel's fault. I'm blaming her. so if you see no posting here... check out my live journal.
Friday, November 08, 2002
College Life... (thx kim for the pic! love you!)
Left to Right: Peter, Mr. Sugar Skull Head, Clinton
Thursday, November 07, 2002
its so weird. i feel as if i'm looking into the world behind the windows. Behind the glass wall. Just watching.
lately... everythings been kinda... awkward i guess? Like all my high school friends and stuff are out doing their own thing, and me being in my own world. Most times now and days i feel as if i don't belong. I dont feel like i belong anywhere. that no one really wants me here. I mean. It's not that i miss people... its that i miss whats going on around me. I miss that loving feeling of being spoiled. I don't know.
I feel as if my life is slipping through my fingers. Yet at the same time... i'm a full time college student. Busy as hell, with projects to due. Speaking of which... I have another one to do... which is due next friday. Its a lot of drawing and stuff. yeah. sucks =\
I'm listening to my brothers fav song. it makes me cry. but then again a lot of songs get me emotional. I guess music does really have an effect on me. god i haven't blogged in a while. its almost friday. i'm guessing i will be up all night so i can make it into class by 8am.
should i do my next project on computer? i'm feeling lazy. i'm so tired of drawing. it takes up so much time.
*sighs*
np: Look to the Sky - DDR Max
... i have realized how much time passes by your eyes... that you realize how much everything means to you
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
gee whiz. i'm actually blogging. I dont really blog any more. i'm just too lazy to. i'm feeling somewhat tired. so i'll blog a little and go to bed. I had a big fat project due today - "VISUAL IMAGES" in my Design Foundations 1 class. who knows how many hours i put into it... probably over 30 or so... but. i spent so much money at kinko's. pissed me off. what i hate though, is that my class is at 8 am in the morning. ><;; which gives the other people 6 more hours to complete their work. sucks for me =\
any way, lately i've been feeling down. I know kim just visited me. it was fun. we did a whole buncha stuff. not too bad for like... two days? yeah. it was fun. kim posted it all up on k-lounge. speaking of which i should work on a layout. *lazy* but like.... the atmosphere around me. everyone is dating. its like spring feaver... but... now. i hate it.
i hate this feeling. because i'm the only one alone. no one likes the way i look. no one likes the way i act. i am unacceptable to society via appearence. I am a horror... to the point where people stare at me because they have never seen such a monstrocity such as me. argh. I'm slowly taking accutane again. start clearing up my skin little by little... yeah. people say, "Oh you'll find someone one day"... when will that be? when will i know? being single for this long is hurting me bad.
i can't stand to be alone. i want someone to love me damn it. -_-
