desired dreams
Sunday, June 23, 2002
up late yet again.
things have been happening... not so happy things i guess.
I feel as if a part of me has died... i dont know. i'm depressed again.
things have been bothering me... one of the biggest things that has been bothering me: my brother.
so on wed (april 19) he asked me if he could go "Game Night" (gamerz go to play @ a place and eat foot, chat, etc... ie board games, card games, etc) over at Pizza and Pipes. So i said yes, and he wanted to bring friends and that i'll gladly drive them. So, first of all... I didn't know it started at 5pm and neither did my bro... and when he found out he kinda rubbed it in that I was late and everything... not like i knew! Then I go off and pick up his friends, and driving there ain't so bad... and then... when we got there i sat at a table to work on my architect portfolio that was due the next day. So i've been sitting there for like an hour or something... getting a bit hungry... and at the same time trying to get my bro to come over to my table cuz he has my cell phone. It takes me like an hour to get him to notice me cuz i didn't want to get up and have someone steal my stuff... cuz no one else is watching my stuff. i dont trust people... so he finally comes over... and i ask for my cell phone... and i missed a call. that pissed me off. and then heres what happened:
me: "Oh did you want to get something to eat?"
"Oh no. i already ate dinner" (cuz ur required to buy something @ the place)
"What do you mean you already ate dinner?"
"I already ate dinner"
"You didn't bother asking me if i wanted to eat dinner?"
"I thought you were going out to dinner with mom"
"OKAY. Isn't it obvious that if i was going to eat dinner with mom i'd be gone by now"
"Oh well.."
"Didn't you even know i had no money?! thats why i asked before"
"whatever..."
and he walked away. it hurts badly, to know the way your own brother treats you. i mean i've seen siblings fight... but how in the hell did i get a sibling that isnt even worth being a sibling. i remember the first time he called me BITCH and that hurt me so badly. i couldn't even believe it, such horrible vulgar words coming out of him... even i dont say that... and on top of that... he always says some degrading comment towards me. there is all this anger... and why i don't know. i try to be nice in hope of us bonding well as sister and brother... but its not working. why can't my brother be better? i mean why can't be a better sibling, the way he treats me, with out respect, hurts me so badly. It makes me not want to care for him any more... i've stopped talking to him. he's not worth talking to any more. -_-
on top of that...
what do i say to people when i can't express any sympathy. in the recent nights ago... a friend of mine has problems w/ his online game, and is afraid of his account getting hacked... the next day we go out w/ a group of friends... and he is continusly begging for compassion and sympathy. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't really like the game he's playing, and I have my reasoning behind it, and yet he gets angry when I don't have any "compassion" for him. He says i should have said something... and its like... in my heart i dont want his account to be hacked cuz its just wrong... but then again i don't like the game... i dont know. i dont want to talk about it. i said sorry about my own actions and he disregarded. that tells me something. even after i've said sorry many times. it hurts me. he said, "Whatever". it hurt so bad. i felt like my heart broke or some shit. i hate that word. as much as i could ever hate... its that word. what am i supposed to say? i mean i had already expressed the night before what i felt, "I hope your account doesnt get hacked" and i've tried suggesting different forms of help... and then he goes on about it non stop again the next day? its only a game...
its one of those games... that i dislike... those never ending games. i hate them for my own reasons, but no one usually understands why. I lost a potential good boyfriend due to Diablo II. Esp. when he goes off commenting how the Amazoness is beautiful... and i'm not. -_- and then losing friends to Everquest... who knows when the last time i talked to them... they don't even talk on AIM any more. They're always playing EQ. I have my reasons, i hope they are justifyable... and its not that i hate people who play those games. its just i don't want to be hurt again and lose friends.
the last thing i want is getting hurt. esp. me. its not fun, and if it means me getting hurt, its not worth it. i don't know. since then i've felt depressed... i haven't felt this way in quite a while. I"m getting sick of this layout... i think i might create a new layout again. *sighs*
i finished watching Angelic Layer. its pretty good... now i have to burn the cds. and finish downloading episode 26. i watched episode 26 at fanime... it was not too bad. I liked it. Now Eris and I are working on a clay sculpture of Hikaru and Wizard... (Well more like Eris is doing most of it... expert ladee!) but i also want to do chibi dante... from devil may cry. Eris wants to do chibi sephy, and so do i. XD
i have to get furuba vol 9... its out now. and i want to buy all of the angelic layer manga. its good.
what else? nothing else... i want to try making anime music videos now... and seeing what i can come up with. i also want to put together that me & my fansite still... damn. i actually have things i want to do to keep me busy... x_X i'll be leaving to pomona soon... on wed. won't be back till sunday. maybe i'll blog before then? i'm not sure.
np: Traveling by Utada Hikaru (its the Kingdom Hearts Opening song)
btw... i get to go to disneyland. XD
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Friday, June 14, 2002
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
jocy: i gots something to ask you
jocy: on a serious level. =O
nate: ok
jocy: when u said, "I love you" did u mean it? =P
jocy: <~ doesnt like untruthful love.
jocy: haha
nate: i meant it as close as we are
jocy: as love as friends? ^____^
nate: yes but a little more than friends
nate: like family
jocy: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
jocy: <~ is supah happy w/ supah spikey hair
jocy: XD
nate: even though we dont look alike
nate: lol
nate: !
jocy: eRm. your my... uh... whole white azn brudda y000.
jocy: and i'm the whole azn sista y0000
jocy: and and and...
jocy: yah. haha. XD
nate: lol
jocy: we're horny togetha. XD
nate: hehe
nate: totally
jocy: *laughs*
so i've figured out whats been keeping me happy. its him. and its others as well. i never realized how much my friends mean so much to me. I guess... not falling into that trap of liking someone and losing a wonderful friend... has kept me going? <~ is babbling. i mean... sure... i like him. i have to admit he's a cute, attractive little guy. But then again.. Raymond is cute, cuddlyg and innocent as can be... and yet... other people I like just as much. But, maybe it is better that i never pushed for a relationship... sure Prom was fun w/ Nate. But now, I think of him always, not as like... a lover of... well a relationship, but a lover of friends. iono. i guess knowing that i've got another friend to love makes me happy.
Just cuz I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't mean i cant love. I can love as many people as I wish, and no one ever seems to understand that... or remember that. -_-;; i don't sterotype love... i make love. XD
eeeeek. graudation practice sucks... graudation practice took so long that i was able to finish a whole two string lanyard. accidently tho, its c-monts colors... UNINTENTIONAL. T_T;;; i just happened to like the colors blue and silver. <~ is a much0 dork. but yeah. graduation practice was okay... hRm. after that i ran off to mr bice's room and stuff. I talked to sarah, and then i talked to mr bice about the quality of the cds. apparently... i can't seem to play them on some cd players and my computer, but it comes out nice and fine on my bros new (well not so new... but u get the point) cd/mp3 player... so i am currently listening to the songs right now... like... songs from junior year was better.
talking to Nate. ^^; happyness. i went out w/ Kevin, Daniel, Raymond, Erica and Andrea (best for last always! =P don't feel left out) and we went to get milk tea... and ate @ paul joes for lunchies. nummy. *i* love their ravioli. XD what else to say? iono.
mai hair is supah spikey! supah supah! *loves that word*
n e way... hRM. nothing much else to say. o_O;; lala. waaaai.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Waaaaaaaaaaaai. I have a wonderful lovable friend. ^-^
Nate: i have to go to bed
Nate: so sad
jocy: awwww
jocy: i cry for you
jocy: maybe i'll drop by tomorrow and play
jocy: much love. ^^; have swt dreams
Nate: that would be cool
Nate: i love you
Nate: bye bye
jocy: was that for real?!
jocy: @_@
jocy: <~ heart throbs and melts.
Nate: yay!
Nate: buye
jocy: bye. ^-^
loveable friends are always... well loveable. ^-^ <~ is supah happy. I bought some stuff too. ^^; u can check out what i bought in my kodama blog. kaye i'm out.
Monday, June 10, 2002
Friday, June 07, 2002
i'm torn appart and i'm not quite sure what to do. Well no, not me... but i think i've put a friend of mine in a position where he feels torn appart. a choice he has to make... see his older brother is graduating from UCLA... which i think is supah cool and i want him to go... and yet at the same time... i'm graduating and i want him to go... because i won't really see him at all next week, and only i trust him in carrying my horn... i'm not really keen into trusting other people with the schools horn... only because he knows what to do and how to deal with it. ugh. i don't want him to make a horrible decision because of me... cuz if i did it would be for my selfish reasons and making someone suffer because of it. i don't know... i'm not so sure what to think of. Well... school is practically out! so... i have time to actually do things and enjoy life now... anyway, i'm not going to RECCA con... so... i hope people have a fun time there. n e way... i think i've said enough... i guess.
currently: at ericas house... bloggin... spent a wonderful day w/ Kim, Remona, Andrea, Raychan, Erica... und I. Watching Earthian, Cabaret, and getting a chance to play with my pet. *grinz* and now i'm reading some more furuba scanlations... hehe.
np:DUEL by BOND (its a really cool group!)... on Erica's computa... thx!
I realized... that i'm depressed.
It might be over the most lamest thing ever, but i don't care, just the thought of it makes me so upset. It's so hard to part with something you've spent three years of your life with. Especially are the shared journys and adventures spent together... the number of trips, festivals, concerts... i didn't realize it till now, but It has been the object in my life, one of the most important components in my life that keeps me going day by day. my horn.
boy that does sound corney, but its the object of my life that has driven me to the point of who i am now. Driven wildly down this path... really. I'm really crying over this, its so sad to part with my school horn... i really do love it. as lame as it is... its like loosing your most favorite teddy bear... or your favorite blanket being given away... all those shared memories. Can a person love an object? A man made object? I can't believe how much has changed... That horn changed my life, it really has... I started taking private lessons on that horn... I started becomming involved... it made me go out and buy another conn 8d. i never realized how much power it had over me... sure... i tried those yamaha horns with Nate that one week... but, nothing beats my school conn 8d. It was the first horn to try out the pencil holder... the first horn i actually cared for and actually bathe it and kept it clean... the first horn that tried my gig bag... the first horn that traveled to multiple schools.. and all the way to San Francisco... the memories... will always remain. I love my horn... and as i am right now... i'm really devstated because I have finally realized... that I have to give it up... and watch it part away from me and move on to another player... *sighs*
maybe people wouldn't understand this, i don't know i don't care... but on the brighter side... I have my own conn 8d to fall in love with. It only takes time...
much love to my school conn 8d, it has forever changed my life.
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Cut mai hair SUPAH short... reminds me of kitties... XD
dude. MuCh0 luv to Megumi... cuz we share the same b'days. XD XD XD
okay. jocy <~ happy
i go now
okay.. my finals are practically over, now i can actually begin working on things.
1. finish reading lestat
2. come up w/ a new weblayout
3. work on horn desgins for t-shirts (so cool so cool)
4. finish playing FFX and Chrono cross....
5. start logging all the quotes i put up on the page... (I think Nate will like that...) hahaha.
6. write more poetry? i dont know. i've been out of the poetry loop for so long... up to the point where i don't even really like what i write any more. maybe it's beacuse i'm out of that depressed phase... I have a life now worth living, the doors are beginning to open for me.
7. draw some more? probably... i started drawing pics for kim to put in her dream book... of sleeping creatures. XD XD XD.
it will be an eventful summer no?
I'm going to get a hair cut today, i think i will cut it boy short. I'm growing really tired of my "long" hair. Its such a pain to take care of, its much easier just waking up in the morning and not having to worry about split ends and tangleness... into the jungle of my hair. yeah. i'm such a guy... its just easier having short hair... and i want a new style, i am growing old of the long hair. I want to cut it short and then highlight it... and then i'll get my purple dye out and have purple highlights. ^_^ supah cool.
Last night Kim and I went to see a comedy called ART. Its a French comedy about three guys who are best friends, and a peice of... well... a uhh... white painting... "peice of shit". It was very enlighting, it left me laughing and it made me happy. It was interesting how one peice of "art" could tear up friendships and bring them back together again... but then again that peice of art was... well... "A 5 X 4 peice of art.. with a white background".
The play made me think about things today... I was walking from my school to the library reflecting about the thoughts and themes of the comedy (god this sounds like English Class). but like, what if i went out and bought myself say... a $6000 descant horn... what would people say? Would people call me crazy? Its like what Yvon said, he said, "As long as it makes him happy." as long as the peice of art makes Serge happy. Would or should it matter to other people? What Serge said about his other friend Marc was also true, about the fact that he tries to control his life and everything.
It makes me think about things, does my actions and my decisions effect my friends? and vise versa?
The things that I would ever do in my lifetime... even if it may be considered by other people "wrong" or a "waste" of money/time/etc... just to keep me happy, is that justifyable by my friends? do i need their approval to live the way i want to live? Now that I really think about the play... there is such realism to it. More then I realized last night. Makes me wonder what life will be like in the future... who knows i might go off and buy a 5 X 4 feet... that represents... something plain white. Or does it have another meaning?
np: adam's song by Blink 182 (Nate's fav song... haha =P)
Sunday, June 02, 2002
make new friends
but keep the old
one is silver
and the other's gold
circle round
that has no end
that's how long
i want to be your friend
that song makes me realize how many friends we make... and how my group of friends have slowly begun bonding...
share my love!
np still: te quiero by Me & My feat. Nicole
WAAAAAAAAAAI
I AM THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD
thanku to Eris and DarkSakura SOOOO mucho for finding the Me & My single Te Quiero...
I have never been so happy in my life.
After a whole month of searching, i finally get to listen to their single.
WAAAAAI.
Congrats to Eris on graduating! my graudation is in two weeks... June 14, (friday) 10:00 am.
Finals are next week... and after finals i think i might be putting together a Me & My fansite...
debating on it. i want a new layout for this site too... i have the perfect idea, but i'm not quite sure if i can put it together... i gotta upload the pictures.
I havent thought about the superficiality of myself ever since i last blogged... i don't care any more. If you don't think i'm affectionate at all, well fawk you. the end. i don't care. I love who i will, I love who i want, I'll care for who the ones that deserve my care. I will be affectionate towards the people I believe that deserve it. Being hurt after that, it makes me think that maybe someone doesn't deserve it as much any more.
bah. today w/ Erica, Andrea, Remona, Catherine and Casey (sp?) was much0 fun. thx for such a wonderful day.
maybe it does pay off to grow a little.
np: te quiero by Me & My feat. Nicole
