desired dreams
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Well, I finally got my art book. dante. *drools*
but lately i've been really bothered... it all happened last night...
i was talking to someone who will remain nameless... erm yeah... and like we were talking and everything was just fine and we end up on the subject of each other. I guess? or more like our sexual preferences... *god the mail man is late... * any way he talked to me about how i wasnt affectionate to him at all. *AT ALL* he said thats what he felt our relationship was like. That relationship we had was for over one long year... and it takes him now to say that i showed "no affection" what so ever... it makes me feel as if he's saying that i'm unrealistic and "fake" just like the other people who dislike me.
am i really superficial? do i really show no affection at all... I tried to explain to him that my sexual driven personal characteristics are different in comparison to my loving self. Or at least thats how i view myself. He said that i never showed any affection... how can he say that?! what do you mean no affection... when it was me who thought of all the good things, all the good hugs... the fact that I thought of him in the first place! the idea that i thought he would be a wonderful man to date... where did all that affection go? At least i'm not the kind of sterile girl who is afraid of giving hugs to people... and he says i'm not affectionate.
my sexual taste is not my personality.
my own sexual behavior is not my daily behavior.
just because i prefer sexual innuendos completely bizzare and different from everyone else doesnt make me different from everyone else. So i may like strange stuff, and I enjoy role playing sexual innuendos... but c'mon am i like that all the time?
for the first time ever since breaking up i'm actually truly hurt, angry, and upset. argh. this bothers the hell out of me, it makes me wonder if that whole long relationship was worth it after all. -_-;; speaking of which... its time for a new layout. *will be working on one soon...* maybe after graduation.
np: Here w/ me By Michelle Branch
its been a long long time
since i've looked into the mirror
i guess that i was blind
now my reflection is getting clearer
now that you're gone
things won't ever be the same again
there's not a minute that goes by
every hour of every day
you're such a part of me
but i just pulled away
but i'm not the same girl
you used to know
i was just the words i never show
i know you have to go away
i died just a little bit...
Monday, May 27, 2002
you know what sucks? is when you get your packages in the mail and its stuck in your dads car.... and your dads car is not here.
I want my devil my cry art book. T_T i want to drool over dante... T_T;;;
Sunday, May 26, 2002
saw caberat today... wif kim. interesting yes yes.
i wont go into the car detail, but duck tape patches everything.
recently... i've been wanting to attach my love somewhere, to start loving someone, caring for someone, just to make them feel special again. i did that to Nate, became friends with him, care for him, tease him because he's my friend and of course love him. Ever since i've been a single girl again... my love has been floating around. I feel as if i'm slowly fluttering back to Raymond... like that summer, i feel as if we're getting closer again, or I hope to? he's such a wonderful companion, sometimes we bicker because of our own personal beliefs but it doesnt matter, i learn to tolerate it... sometimes i become frusterated when he says something i dont like... but i gotta deal with it because its what he believes and i cant change that. i dont know... I need someone to love... i need someone to care for (noticed how this goes around in a circle?).
Umi-chan says that all my friends revolve around me... I don't think so. Lately i've been trying to busy myself with my friends just to stay away from home, let alone dealing with not having a bf around any more. Being at home and even online, I still feel lonely. No one to talk to, I enjoy talking on the phone with someone. Like the concert night and talking to Nate, even if i do feel as if I could tell everything to him (well as long as its not about sex) its alright, i feel comfortable. With Raymond... I can tell him practically everything, same goes to Jas... god. How can i have friends revolve around me when I love to be with my friends! i don't know...
once i get my devil may cry art book... i think it'll be time for a new layout. I gotta think up a layout for lilneko.com but i havent really done anything.... just found a picture i want to use. Its kyou from fruit basket. speaking of which... i'm slowly putting together the chobits puzzle! fun fun fun. ^-^; then i'll laminate it, frame it... take it to college! XD
okay i'm off.
np: Devil May Cry - S (goooood techno sheeeeeit)
Saturday, May 25, 2002
you know what i hate? well... not definately hate... but... i can't describe it. But people who know how to get you sexually... its frusterating! esp. if they know what kind of person you are...
to those ppl who do know me... *muah* i love you.
phew. i was searching for the 20020220 Final Fantasy concert cd... they didnt have it @ the san jose kinokuniya which sucks... but i bought the rest of the fruit basket manga, and LE Chobits 5. The puzzle is suuuuupah cool! Me likes lots.
yah... *is major tired*... phooie. i'm getting sick some more, sore throat... everything. I hope i dont get ppl sick. T_T;;
Friday, May 24, 2002
I've never been so... amazingly happy. This are going so well, things are working out.
The concert yesterday kinda sucked... but i think i will ask mr bice for a copy of all the music including choir. So i'll have everything. After the concert yeterday though i was feeling a bit down... and guess who's the best picker upper in the world? Nate. damn straight. my brother was playing starcraft and i just didnt bother asking him to let me online, he's a bastard any way. So... nothing to do, I sat in my room, on my bed, hugging a pillow... and thought... "lets call Nate and see what happens..."
we talked, shared our moments, talked about the world... we parted, and I felt better.
Its not that I really really really really like him in that way any more... Its like a level of understandment... I mean sure... I love him (as a wonderful friend, co-horn player... and such... ) just like I love all my friends. Who says Love should be limited to just one person? It shouldn't... when you share your love, more love goes around, and as they say, "What comes around goes around"
today... went to work... felt sick... still feel sick...
went out to dinner with Kim, then we were going to go to Home Depot... but that didn't happen. So we eventually wandered to tower records, I picked up some random Goth Industrial cd... so expanding my taste for music. I talked briefly w/ the clerk, he said the cd i picked up was good and i'm paying a good price for it, so i'm happy. Then went to barns and noble and discovered that they were closed. poops. then we went to borders... for a while.. then went home.
Here I am at home. Earlier today I won an auction... for the Devil May Cry art book.
my obessessions recently... Devil May Cry and Me & My
Devil May Cry
is interesting, its for ps2, go look at another site for more info...
but the art is WONDERFUL.
the music is SUPAH COOL... *in the middle of downloading the music right now*
DANTE is HOT
I really like the music... its really good, a combination of gothic like music and jrock.
Me & My
They came out with a new single! Te Quiero! I want it so bad.
Maneki Neko Jas gave me a link where Me and My play ddr for the very first time
I found a pic of their clevage/boobs... XD
talk about obessessive.
I need to buy the rest of the cds...
speaking of which maybe i'll make a "Jocy's wish list" wahah.
hmm... i think thats all for now.
Going to go to Kinokuniya tomorrow to get the 20020220 FF concert cd, some fruit basket manga, and hopefully chobits 5. ^^;;
IF ANYONE FINDS THE OST FOR DEVIL MAY CRY LEMMIE KNOW!!! PLIS.
np: Jared Hudson - Metal Gear Solid 2 & Devil May Cry (orchestral remix)
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Nate has been dubed... my playboy bunny. Yes i love you too! *sarcasm* ^_~
things have been going alright... been reading scanlations of fuburu (fruit basket) its addiciting!
i think thats all i wanted to say...
graduation comming up. yay.
band concert tomorrow... yay too.
stupid megan and her solo, twice in a row, pisses me off. >_<
but i just wanted to blog and say that Nate is my playboy bunny. ^_^
wahahahah. *insane*
Sunday, May 19, 2002
waaaaaai. i havent really said much lately huh? thinking about a new layout... maybe i'll use it for lilneko.
i saw Star Wars episode II. it owns. its purdy good... so the politics got a bit confusing... which just means that i gotta go watch it again... haha. i had a lot of fun w/ my friends yesterday. today i saw the dance show. it was gooooood =D...
i also saw Sig.. *swoon* XD``````
yeah... not much to talk about. i'm outs.
Monday, May 13, 2002
*is in an utter state of confusion* i'm not retired... i am retired... i am half retired. take that. i've been getting those sickening feelings that i ususally would get after tournies. maybe i will stay retired...
Saturday, May 11, 2002
more epic adventures... haha. i'm having too much fun.
dax3: where you come from LiLUsako
LiLUsako: me? I'm from Cali
Ranting_Hero: it's a place in central africa
dax3: Cali?
dax3: I am from thailand in asia
Ranting_Hero: ask your geography teacher
LiLUsako: yep. and i've got the best connection around! goooooooo 56k.
It's_Gravitation!: i always thought it's short for california
dax3: me too
dax3: oh my god
Ranting_Hero: lol
LiLUsako: ^_^
It's_Gravitation!: guess we need to study geography!
dax3: ...
Ranting_Hero: unn....
Ranting_Hero: gulliable, gulliable people here...
jocys epic adventure with Direct Connect
Ranting_Hero: soo many episode... you won't complete any of them if you scatter the downloads...
LiLUsako: of saiyuki?
LiLUsako: or of all of them in general?
Ranting_Hero: of anything.... if you get 1 anime episode a day... this will take you a while...
LiLUsako: actually - thats what all my friends are for. they all have cable, dsl, etc. i just go and discover new ways of downloading anime. which is kinda weird.
LiLUsako: LoL.
LiLUsako: well just one episode is alright. =D
Ranting_Hero: ............. you must be the kingpin of your area or something... I can see it now...
LiLUsako: LoL. i just have a sucky ass connection. b/c i dont want to pay for the connection. my parents are like, "56k. deal with it. your going to go to college soon enough any way"
LiLUsako: woo. 2%
Ranting_Hero: LiLIsako: *points at one guy* you, I want X episode 7 to 9 finished by tomorrow, *points to another guy* you, cowboy bebop by sunset, kapesh?
LiLUsako: ROTFLMAO.
Ranting_Hero: LiLUsako: or else....*points gun to their family members*
LiLUsako: LOL!
Ranting_Hero: oh, can't leave this out... *plays the godfather theme*
a few mintues later...
Ranting_Hero: it's godly I tell you... Kare Kano has some of the funniest scenes ever...
LiLUsako: really? i'll check it out. it sounds interesting. =D i will get someone to download it... *godfather music starts playing*
Ranting_Hero: *shivers in terror*
LiLUsako: LoL
i have discovered the greatness of the program Direct Connect.
i am slowly downloading pita ten and episode one of angelic layer. yeah. its a slow connection but i'll manage.
waaaaaaaaai. today was fun. I am offical un-retired now.
today Eris, Umi, and I went to the new q-cup in san mateo. interesting. chicken is okay, they have big chicken chunks. chunky. haha.
then we went to San Jose's Kinokuniya. I bought the first 4 comic books of Fruit Basket... its all Melodi's fault. >_< its soooooo god damn cute. kawaii. and i love all the characters! wahahahaha. XD then i bought copic multiliner markers for Eric, Umi and Me. and then a tomotori-chan note pad. XD
then we went to hi-5... and i played ddr. *dramatic music* then i went home. phew. *tired*. i go off and download my anime. XD
huh. random thought. i was laying in bed today and i thought, "Nate gives oral to his horn... is it oral sex? or is it kissing?" hahahah. thats what he gets for doing dirty dirty dirty things to his horn. its a brand new yamaha too! Broken innocence! hahaha. the things we do in band. we make out w/ our instruments. XD
i've been trying to get this mp3 tickter program to work and i can't seem to get it working. argh. *goes off to fiddle w/ it again*
hRm. i haven't really blogged in a while. I guess things have finally been slowing down. its may. ap testing is over. i'm relaxed. calm. well - besides work. I was reading Mel's blog about how our boss has been reading her blog. I wonder if he reads mine. o_O;; the access that they have.
I guess since its not april any more, things have settled down a bit. actually i was at Eris' house earlier, and we played video games, and made KITTY JEWLERY. well thats what i'm calling it now. haha. but its like ribbon jewlery. I stole the ribbon from kim's ribbon box today @ school. so... i have to tell two stories now. okay...
how i got ribbon - in AP English, now that the test is over, we have a subsitute who's going to teach the AP Art History class next year ( I want to take that...) and we're making these sculptures out of styrofoam sheets. So in my group - we decided to have a BIIIIIIIIIG fatty sea jelly. So as those tentacles we used Ribbon, and we stapled it on and stuff. Then i stole some. ^-^:;;
kitty jewlery - i took the ribbon i got from Kim's ribbon box and make cufflets bracelet things. Then i made a bow choker kind of thing with bells at the end. i'm supposed to tie a bow with the bells dangling. I like it. ^-^
i swear - i'm becomming more and more kitten like.
OH! Tyler emailed me! I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy. its so good to hear from friends... especially *good* looking friends. XD its so hard sitting around attractive people... its just so hard. *yawn* so tired.
i'm wishing mark a happy birthday (may 10th)
ugh. today in band... i hate flutes. i hate em. i hate it that the first flute player gets to play a solo (and band) *again* for the 2nd year in a row. thats not fair. why cant we have like Horn (and band) or like Trumpet (and band) or Brass Ensamble (and band). Its not fair. pisses me off. blah. i'm rambling. i'm really tired and just mumbling the thoughts in my head.
ever since i've been single (no offense to you darling! I still love you!) but my parents have been... not on my case. they've been relaxed and some shit. i dont know whats up with that. they haven't bugged me about prom couple pictures and getting one... and they havent really bugged me about other stuff. its so weird. i don't know why. blah. so random.
i want to get back into ddr. maybe i'll wait till i get to college. hopefully the ddr machine will still be @ pomona. ^-^;;
hmm. what else is there to say? i have more time to practice my horn. i'm really glad about that. but i want my horn back from the shop. i havent gotten that back yet - its like two months now. i ordered the 4 mozart horn concertos and rondo from portland sheet music. Great service - and they bill you! UBER COOL. XD
hRm. getting the original version of syncronised love. i cant spell. its one of these moments.
okay this is a really random blog. i cant think straight any more. i think i should go off and finish the chrono cross RPG. and then ffx. hmm. i wanna watch more fruit basket. speaking of which. thats what i'm going to do! i'm going to go look at fruit basket links. its very interesting. maybe i shoud make an okage layout for a friend of mine. howabout a cookies and cream layout?! XD hahaha. okay i'm going now.
Thursday, May 09, 2002
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
i've been wanting a gothic boyfriend. a deep, dark, mysterious, dominating man. who is tlal and dresses in classy clothing, like velvet, silk... oooh.. *shrudders*
i'm retarded. i just had that thought today.
Thursday, May 02, 2002
Have You Ever Been Mellow?: Dreamy, artistic and imaginitive! You find youself constantly wanting to create. You're good with your hands and have a way with the written word. Your ideal partner would know how to appreciate both you and your art. What's your DDR theme song?
