desired dreams
Monday, October 29, 2001
raaaaaaaar. I haven't posted in a while ne? Since Rosshi ish sleep0rz. ish kinda kyute. he ish so kyute when he sleeps. i think i will make a new layout again... but lots of things happeend..... i'm just going to list them cuz i'm lazee.
1. Sacramental tourny w/ Jocy's lam0rz r0untine cuz she hasnt touched a ddr machine since... since... who knows. =O
But i improved on my dancing!!! I think i did!!! I can spin a lil now! ^^
2. Klonoa GBA and Pokemon Puzzle Thing.... ownz me.
3. Short skirt from puchiko outfit = O_O;
4. i failed my english test. =(
sucks... i should work on homework. =D yeaaaaah. teeheehee.i go now. i download songs by Cake. =D
Saturday, October 20, 2001
Remember You
NMR feat. Julie (Julie Frost)
Naoki Maeda / Julie Frost
5th Mix
I remember you.
Here - in the place where we first met
So long ago - with the smile
And a face I can't forget
Though that was long ago
In this town
We shared some history
Eyes all look around, I remember how we used to be
All the things he told me
The way he used to hold me, then
And from now, till forever more
He won't hold me anymore
But it's just the way
That it's gonna be
he won't come back to me
come to me!
I walk alone, all winter nights
Where we met, we would savior familiar sights
Those healing weeks were memories
Those faces carress, his sensitivity
A-nd now, to forever more
I remember - the one I used - to love
Friday, October 19, 2001
just a thought... i've felt like i've been dumbed by my bf... over and over and over again. that feeling cycling through my body... i want to puke. but i can't. i want to be sick. but i can't. this feeling... has been in me... like nothing before. fuck this. fuck you all. i fucking hate everyone.
ugh. another hateful day. each day passes by like there is no end to this torment. I hate this. i got a paper cut at work today. it stings. it hurts.
but what hurts more? i dont know... i feel so... ugh. i can't even put the words to it. i want to hang myself. god. so i finally came home... after a dose of school, a dose of work, and a dose of gossipy girls... and i get home... i call mikeal, no answer. then i called Ross. his mom said he was in the shower... so i waited... he finally called back and said, "I'm planning to go out." and so... we talked for like 10 minutes... and then he urged on to leave. so here i am. online, the internet junkie that i am. i dont know what the fuck we're doing tomorrow, i don't know if i can go shopping, my stupid dumbass relatives are holding a b'day party for my step cuzin... and i've been so depressed lately that i just don't bother crying any more. I still have to do my Gold award project sometime soon... i have to call in the city of belmont. or whatever that crap is. and I have to do my college apps, but i don't even know where they went. my parents took them... i dont know. its been such a horrible week. i'm failing english, i'm hating life... its been like the 2nd consecutive week of depression, headaches... a broken heart.
i kno. i'm the kind of person who loves to cling onto someone... yeah... i know. my ex reminded me all the fucking time... and now that my new guy knows about it... sometimes he doesn't even bother to help... sometimes i feel like i've been used. like for realz. like everyone playing w/ my head, my mind, my body.... but even more my heart. I don't know. I want to die. i want to stab myself in the heart, then i can no longer love. for love destroys the heart. there is no such thing as perfect love. but then again we arn't perfect people... yea. so people might say its just me and my PMS. but thats FUCKING BULL SHIT cuz if this depression thing has been going on for more than 5 years... don't tell me its just my PMS. don't even fucking say it. I hate when people just say its the PMS. it isnt. its cuz i'm hurt... i'm hurt so badly i can't heal. nothing will heal. all the wounds stay there, as a permanent wound to my heart, that never heals just to torture me. i hate it when people play with my mind and heart.... i don't know what to do any more. i'm just a fucking worthless peice of shit. i'm a fucking tool. and who gets to suffer for it? I do.
Thursday, October 18, 2001
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
why can't some days be what you want it to be? i swear, my week gets worse every time. and it's always related to me doing something fucking wrong. i hate this. my life just gets worse and worse, another moron to walk on this earth.
every time i searched for happiness... it slaps me in the face... tells me to go fuck and kill myself... and wishes me a nice day.
every fucking time... when i finally decide what i want... my choices get taken away.
god... i hate my life.
Sunday, October 14, 2001
i hate my life. i want to die right now. damn depressiveness... damned house. damned religion. i hate it all.
I don't get it. I think its the PMS. goddamn monthly thing.
Anyway. Today was a... emotional roller coaster day. yeah. something like that.
I couldn't sleep last nite, so i started reading books, of all kinds! Ending up i went to bed at like 1 in the morning again. -_- sigh. Woke up at like 7, then i slept some more and woke up at like 7:30ish. Left the house w/ dad. got a bagle and sobe. went to Serra high school. took the SAT I. I hate SAT. goddamn it to hell. i was thinking last nite... that this damned SAT kinda does determine my future... but i donno. its just a bunch of shit. Any way, Math SAT was alright. English.... sucked. it just sucked. After that got picked up, taken home and Crys picked me up. We headed to the South Bay, ate Pizza Hut pizza... I like the breadsticks... then went to Mervyins... er however u spell it. Crys bought a Top and Skirt! and a pair of sneakers! Then we headed to Valco Mall... roamed around. I bought a Hello Kitty Gothic/Punk t-shirt. But i found out when i got home that the Tag (that squirts ink) was still on. So i have to get the tag removed... *sigh* then Crys and I wandered around some more. Crys bought shoes, and a pair of pants... and a Hello Kitty shirt also! So kyute!!! ^_^ i had a wonderful time shopping w/ Crys today.
Then when i got home... the depression hit. like mad. why the fawk does this happen to me? I've been on an emotional roller coaster all day long... Being at home makes me depressed. It just does. Went home and I am currently borrowing Crys' Faerie Version of Tetris Attack. which means i gotta mod my SNES. well i need to finish with that.... yeah. its hard work. x_X my plyers are toooo big. After that i went online... talked a bit. Then family wanted to go out to dinner. So we went to San Jose, we stoped by Lion shopping market thing. Avacado Perl Drink slushie is winnar. me and my bro shared that. yummi. =0````` after that we went to Eastridge mall and went to todai... food was alright.... i like Valco's todai better... still has that new and great (well its alright) customer service. After that we went down to arriang... played PIU. the strangest thing happened tho. me and my bro were playing a non-stop as our last song... and there were these two korean girls playing on the international machine... and we all failed at the same time... it was just plain weird. after that... went home... showered... watched bridget jones diary and here i am typing up my own online diary. strange isnt it? gosh i feel tired. and yet so depressed. i guess whenever i'm home... i get depressed. or at least lately i've been depressed. I don't know why. It just makes me feel sad. Like the moment i step in... my happiness is wiped away... i feel sick. my eye is twiching. O_-
I think i'll go now. I have to work on my uncles webpage also... and i have to go to church. not so fawking fun. -_-
Friday, October 12, 2001
d00000000d. football game sux0rs. 24 to 30. c-mont lost y0.
N e way. SAT tomorrow. I wanna read my vampire book. i've been getting back into vampire slowly again. XD```` n e way. what else? i can't think of n e thing else. it seems as if my weekend isnt long enough, so mucho shit to do. blargh! n e way. todays quote:
"I need a screw!!!" - Nate
*as Nate attempts to keep his Lyre in place... looks @ jocy*
"Shut up! Shut Up! I dont wanna hear it!" - Nate
*Jocy cracks up till she turns bright frikken pink* XD XD XD
Alright. I'm out y0.
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
Dance class last nite was fun.
I like janet jackson.
I want shoo laces.
Mikeal is taking me to a rave in november. o_o; (with my friend).
Now i want glow in the dark nail polish. (Damn you Mikeal!!!)
And no matter how mad I get at mai Rosshi for sleeping cuz of his hard day at work... I still love him. He's so kyute when he sleepz... (others may not agree w/ me. but up j00rs) haha. Now i'm out.
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
raaaaaar!!!
I can heeeeeeeeeelz! a short distance. @_@; today has been such a day! I went to school, then to work, then to dance class... and then... to my moms office where i practiced mai heelz and such.. den what else? then went to taco bell for mai bro den went safeway, i saw langston, good to see him again and now i'm home =D the end!
rar. i'm at work right now, things just suck. i have a hurting head ache. >_< things arnt going so great... i'm kinda bumed from last nite, but what can i say? We all need sleep? speaking of that I have to do my math hw. blargh. soon enough i will be heading off to hip hop class. =B then what else? I dunno i can't think my head hurts too much. i want to sneeze.
i gots heelys! its lt's like day four... so i can kind of glide with help of some sort of rail. XD
yeaaaaaaaah....
Also, jing-jing is getting me detective conan fan subs. omg. i love detective conan... and i finished watching all 35 (i still need to watch eps 6) eps of Trigun. It was so beautiful. I swear, i have never seen anything more beautiful and touch as Trigun... *sobs* oh well.
i can't think of anything else. =B I guess i will go. =D
Monday, October 08, 2001
Sunday, October 07, 2001
dum dee dum dee dum.
I gots Heelys yesterday. Mikael and I went shopping yesterday. Went to the Great Mall... and stuff... yeah. don't want to type out how my day went yesterday... or the converstation w/ my mom today. =B i've worked on the layout so hopefull this will be okay. =D
Tuesday, October 02, 2001
Its Been Awhile - Staind
It's been awhile, since I could
Hold my head high
It's been awhile since I first saw you
It's been a while since I could stand
On my own two feet again
It's been awhile since I could call you
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been awhile since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been a while since I could say
I love myself as well
It's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
But all that shit seems to disappear
When I'm with you
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gona and fucked things up again.
Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
It's been awhile since I could
Look at myself straight
It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile since I've seen the way
the candles light your face
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been awhile since I could
Hold my head up high
And It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry...
---------------------------
Chu Chu Rocket Commercial Song
::::[ Japanese ]::::
Chu-Chu Rocket
Nezumi o tasukerou!
Chu-Chu Rocket
Neko wa kowai!
Chu-Chu Rocket
Rocket wa su-go-i!
TSUBABABABA!
::::[ Engrish ]::::
Chu-Chu Rocket
Let's save the Mice!
Chu-Chu Rocket
The Cat is scary!
Chu-Chu Rocket
The Rocket is AWESOME.
I am high.
Lately... i've been feeling fucked over. Like my life is meaningless... i dont know. i don't know where to turn. i'm so full of shit. I don't even know. I hate when i'm like this. I want to cry, but I can't. i just fucking cant. is there something wrong with me? is there? i dont know. i dont have the answer.
