desired dreams
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
" The day that you decide to turn your back on a friend and hurt them, even for just one second, is the day that you break your friendship. "
So whats that supposed to mean? sometimes when i just sit and observe others, i realise how contradicting, hypocritical... and just plain awkward to me. sure i say things that contradict myself, but i dunno. that sentence got me. I guess... when i think about it, i think i people... who come into my head. i'm not sure what to think about it. but i do. it makes me depressed. it kinda sucks to know that ppl hate you. they hate who you are. they hate your fucking soul... and what am i to do? just take all in... unfortunately...
Tuesday, May 08, 2001
Eyes Through an AzN Girl.
~~~I've always been the ugly duckling, the one left out, the black sheep. I'm the bizare, yet brilliant, the stupid, but smart, I'm a walking controversial psychology specimen. I mean honestly, when i look at myself, i dont see myself as a person. I see myself a walking, talking, alive peice of flesh filled in with bits and peices of everyone. Sometimes i dont see myself as an actual person. I've been told i'm too selfish, i'm too self centered. I've been told that i'm pretty, that i'm fat, i'm annoying, i'm not realistic. Honestly, its gotten to the point where i feel as if i don't really live any more. Sometimes, the person that i am is so much different compared to what i want it to be. My parents tell me to be this, my friends tell me i'm that, my boyfriend and my ex's say i was something else. I'm the odd one out.
~~~Besides being the odd one out, i'm like the daughter of the future, i think i'm like a sign of hope? Sure a sign of hope for welfare, and money. Yeah, getting into college is important... to achieve and major in a area of knowledge that I don't want! You see, the way i see things isnt the way i'm expected to see it. I think most of this sprouts from my parents attitudes with me. Ever since i was a little girl, i was never encouraged to do the things that i wanted to do. When i went to elementary school, i was never encoraged to do my homework, to study, to behave in school. I was always a good little girl, and amazingly independent. Thats how i grew up my childhood life. On top of that, I feel as if i never had that childhood life. Ever since fourth, or fifth grade, i grew up all of a sudden. I never considered having 'true' friends, or at least what is true to me (i'll get into that sometime later) and growing up so quickly at a young age resulted in me hanging out with teachers more often. I think this is where my depression years sprouted. Yes, depression at such an early age, for all the reasons that shouldn't pretain or happen to me. But they did. My childhood life deteriorated because of the family problems at home. You see, I live in a house (thats a duh) with a family of four (including myself) and my mom's mom, or my grandmother. I won't get into details, i think that would be a whole story by itself, but let me give you the basic idea of what i grew up with. Ever since i was young, and even still today, my grandmother hates my dad with a passion. Enough said, but you know, you have to understand my grandmother to believe my words. I guess, my grandmother never had the happy life, the easy way out, the true highs of living. She grew up living in fear because of WWII, living with a poor family with 12 children, living in a third world country, marrying a man for his money who had an affair with her, and then bearing children. She didn't live the easy life, but you know she carrys all those hardships and pastimes into the life she lives in now. Because of all her suffering, she has lost her complete morals and beliefs, only to hate my father with a passion. Geez. Living at home is a hell house, i hate comming home and seeing what is to happen next, your grandma greeting you at home, telling you how much she hates you, your mom, your dad, and your brother is a fat lazy pig. Great. So all that trouble she causes made me grow up, and hit my depression years so to speak. It was just me, and my mom, keeping the family together. My younger brother is too young to understand, and my dad is just to stubborn and hot tempered to deal with it. My grandma, well she's so brainwashed with half her bluffs that you can't really change her any more. But now you understand the basics of my family life in general.. .This eventually leds to why I had been depressed through out my puberty years.
~~~Growing up a teen, great. I hate being a woman (and yet sometimes I love it....) but seriously. The troubles i have to go through. If not dealing with my own womanly problems, its dealing with other women. That's my own opinion, but hey, this is my autobio. =D When I was to be born, my mom expected me to be born a boy... and now i take it to heart that she never truely wanted a girl. Any way, dealing with my own womanly changes, phsycially and mentally. I grew up with a younger brother. He's four years younger then me. Any way, growing up with a younger brother, and always having a taste for toy cars, and the boy hood culture, I consider myself a tomboy. So what does being a tomboy, growing up as a women any way, and depression all tie in together? Well. My depression years dealt with the changes in my body, and the enviroment around me that caused all my depression. The whole family probably was already a known factor, and i guess growing up, dealing with pms, and that *ahem* cycle, is well... enough to throw me off. On top of being an independent girl, yeah, i came out strong.
~~~When do you ever have the chance to sit and smell the flowers? Never. I don't think i will ever have that chance again. Ever since 9th grade, everything has been spinning. Its unblieveable. Honestly, I thin these past years have been the most changing and crucial ears ever in my life. Goin to high school is a new experience. Its completely different compared to the easy life in the previous years. Now I wish that I would have slacked off my earlier years and focused more on these important years.
~~~ Three years back, wow. I see myself as a young lil girl back then. That first year in high schol was VERY influential to me. I had just gotten internet access over the summer... while in summer school. Wait let me back track to summer school, before freshman year. I think that was more of a starting point of changes. So Crackmon had a "Compass" program for incomming freshman. Honestly, besides the extra five free credits, I wasn't going to take it. To this day, I have never regretted it. Even if most of the students were from East Palo Alto, this summer class was fun. I made new frients, cuz it was only a few 'White" kids in this program. Well one of the students still goes to Crackmon today, the other moved to San Jose, and finally.... Mr. Blues Brother lover had to go home b ack to the east coast. Apparently Mr. BB came to visit his uncle, and as a result he went to the summer school program. NEVER in my life have i ever regretted going to summer school. As a resuilt, summer time became an introduction to the greatness of the internet. I discovered chat rooms, and other forms of entertainment on the internet. I give all that credit to Mr. BB. It became a new experience. Summer time opened up new and amazing doors for me. I began to play an online game (that I had been addicted to in my 8th grade years) called Acrophobia. It was a game where u were given letters, or acronyms and you made them into silly phrases. For example, if you were given the topic of lets say... history... and you were given the letters: ALTICFDP... then you could make up: Abe Lincoln tortured Italian communist for democratic parties... or something like that. I made a new online friend because of this game. He goes by the name of Skylab. I don't know where he has gone to, but in a wya, he introduced me to many other things on the internet. I learned about the basics of the internet, cybering, ICQ, and mIRC. In a sense, if it wasn't for Mr. Skylab, things whould have been different. Anyway, now the beginning of fall, and into the freshman schol year. This year was a year of influence by old friends, new friends, and the 'net. I guess you could say, I'm an addict to the net. But i'll explain bout that later. In the beginning of my freshman year, I became influenced by RPGs, or Role Playing Games. This became a new hobby, creating non-real characters and creating stories while playing these characters. After the beginning of RPGs, came VtM, or Vampire: the masquerade. VtM is an RPG. My friends and I created vampiric characters and we Role Played out scenes dealing with manipulation, mystery, horror, and super powers all melted into one big pot. This became a huge influential factor to me. Soon enough for X~mas that year, I got my first trench coat, and its still my favorite. Well whats better? Few months pass by... 4.20. god. i so remember that. the Columbine incident. The rest of the year I wore my trench, I got remarks of "TCM" or Trench Coat Mafia, all sorts of crap lyke that. whatever. it was so sad. people knew i had my coat since decembeter, even my Pokgai Uncle... and he had complained to my parents. Pokgai. Eventually, this became the end of my depression years. I made new friends, those from Centeral Middle School such as RiSuMonki9, Hyperchan, and CypreshAsh, and other friends from other schools. Just so you know the Belmont library (I remembered how to spell it!) became a universal place to meet friends.
Wednesday, May 02, 2001
Always and forever
Each moment with you
Is just like a dream to me
That somehow came true
And I know tomorrow
Will still be the same
'Cause we've got a life of love
That won't ever change
And every day
Love me in your own special way
Melt all my heart away
With a smile
Take time to tell me
You really care
And we'll sail tomorrow
Together
(Always forever love you)
I'll always love you forever
(Always forever love you)
Forever
There'll always be sunshine
When I look at you
Something I can't explain
Just the things that you do
And if you get lonely
Phone me and take
A second to give to me
That magic you make
And every day
Love me your own special way
Melt all my heart away
With a smile
Take time to tell me
You really care
And we'll sail tomorrow
Together
(Always forever love you)
I'll always love you forever
Ever
Loving you
Is a thing that I planned
For a very long time
(Always forever love you)
Me with you, you with me, we as one
Love together
(Always forever love you)
For a very long time
Loving you
(Always forever love you)
You...
(Always forever love you)
Baby, forever
(Always forever love you)
Forever, forever
(Always forever love you)
Forever, loving, loving you
(Always forever love you)
Love, love, love
I said forever love you Love you ever and a day and one day
Loving you
(Always forever love you)
You, you, you, you Forever
(Always forever love you)
Tomorrow's tomorrow
Forever and a day, ever and a day
(Always forever love you)
Ever and a day
(Always forever love you)
You, loving you forever, ever
(Always forever love you)
You, you
Forever...
---- always and forever by heatwave ----
gah. i'm in love... and my love isnt here. i miss him. *cry* jeez. all this work and stuff... it makes u think hard hard hard! gah. i hate school now. its almost over! the end is near!
